Today we have one of the most incredible girls taking over our take over Tuesday today. Lindsey has been our friend for so many years, she is incredibly talented, so loving, kind, and always willing to help anyone she meets. Today she is talking about finding the joy in each season of our lives and talks about how she found joy even through some tough times. That being said Lindsey we are all yours…
JOY IN THE SEASON
Fall is my favorite season. When we moved to Michigan in 2012, I grew to love the crisp air, the hills of colorful leaves, the fresh apple cider, the warm pumpkin donuts, the long sweaters, leggings and boots. It’s funny, I never used to care for seasons. When I was younger, I always wished and waited for summer. Maybe that’s because I was in school and summer meant a break from the homework, but even then, I was always waiting and wishing for another time.
One of my all-time favorite movies is Midnight in Paris with Owen Wilson and Rachel McAdams. The show follows an engaged couple (Wilson and McAdams) on their vacation in Paris. The wife dreams of a luxurious life in Orange County while her husband, a writer, romanticizes and yearns for a simple life in Paris. Over the course of a few nights, the husband finds himself traveling back in time where he learns some valuable life lessons. Although there are many notable quotes from this movie, two lines, in particular, had a profound impact on me:
“If you stay here and this becomes your present, then pretty soon you’ll start imagining another time was really the golden time. That’s, you know, what the presence is.”
“Nostalgia is denial… of the painful present. The name for this denial is Golden Age Thinking- the erroneous notion that a different time period is better than the one one’s living in. It’s a flaw in the romantic imagination of those people who find it difficult to cope with the present.”
How many of us have had this mindset, wishing and waiting for another time? Why is it always… “when I get my raise, when I get that dress, if only I had a house, when I get a bigger house, if only I was married, if only I was skinny, if only I had more money, when I get a job, if only I could travel, if only I was done with school, etc.” then I will be happy? Why can’t we be happy now? Why do we live for tomorrows?
I had a rude awakening about 3 years into marriage when Josh and I decided it was time to have a baby. Everything was changing rapidly as I had recently completed the coursework for my doctoral program at the University of Utah and we were headed to Michigan so that Josh could pursue his doctorate at the University of Michigan. I was a bit apprehensive about getting pregnant because for whatever reason, I always thought that it would take me awhile to have kids. As I had feared, getting pregnant wasn’t easy. It had been a year, and we began to work with fertility specialists who ran test after test. I was getting extremely frustrated since all I ever heard was, “Well, that test came back negative. We don’t know what’s wrong. Let’s do another one!” It was supposedly one of the best clinics in the country and it got me nowhere. Meanwhile, it seemed like everyone I knew was getting pregnant. You know when you buy a car and suddenly notice that same car everywhere on the road? Yep. That was me. I never really noticed all of the beautiful pregnancy announcements happening around me until I was trying to get pregnant myself. I remember crying myself to sleep many nights and imagining I would be a happier person “if only I had a baby.” I tried to be a good person. I went to church, ate healthy, had an education, a great husband, supportive family, was financially stable, followed every rule in the book, and yet, there I. was. Childless. I couldn’t possibly be happy.
The next 2 years consisted of more whining and complaining than I ever thought I was capable of, and I was sick of it. I usually prayed for comfort, but this time, I found myself letting it all out. I was tired of being upset. I was tired of disappointment. I was tired of being patient. I was tired of the jealous, insecure, anxious person I was becoming. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me and why this was happening. I needed hope. A few months later, I woke up in the middle of the night due to heavy bleeding. I thought I was going to die. As Josh and I waited for the doctor to come back with the results, we were shocked to hear, “I don’t know how to say this, but you were pregnant and are going through a terrible miscarriage. I’m so sorry. There is no baby, just a sack, but your body is processing it the same way.” Maybe this is backwards, but it was the glimmer of hope I’d been looking for. My body was doing something and that was better than nothing. Strengthened by the experience, I decided it was time for me to change. I found that eating healthy fats and doing less cardio helped my body immensely. I started meditating, continued to eat healthy, and kept my stress levels low. For the first time in a long time, I saw my body differently and my attitude adjusted.
Over a year later, Josh and I felt that I should quit my job at the University. I was ready to go back for more testing and try to figure out this whole fertility thing. If we were going to have a baby, I needed to take care of myself without all the stress and obligation to work, because it had become clear that stress was a big deterrent in the quest to have a baby. A week after I quit my job, I found out that I was pregnant.
It took me 4 years to get pregnant. The day I found out, I sat on the bathroom floor and cried as I thought about everything Josh and I had been through over the past 4 years. Of course, I was happy that I was pregnant. We had been wishing and waiting for this day to come for years, but that wasn’t the real reason why tears were streaming down my face. I was at the end of one long, difficult journey and moving on to the next. My mind was flooded with all of the highs and lows that we experienced, from getting a period one month then not getting it for 6 months afterward, to negative test results, to having a miscarriage. I don’t know how to explain it, but it was like 4 years of difficulty never existed, and I was grateful for all of it – it was the journey that had led me there and I was happy. I learned so much about myself, my relationship with Josh, my body, service, love, kindness, judgment, assumptions, forgiveness, dealing with stress and anxiety, etc. That was the day I made it a point to live with gratitude, to recognize the blessings I had been given, and to view the past as a reminder to be grateful for the process and transformation that takes place when going through trials.
With God, timing is everything, and His timing is perfect. On my journey toward pregnancy, I chose to be bitter, sad, and lonely in a time of my life that I was changing and learning the most. Yes, it was hard and difficult some days, but I chose to wallow in self-pity rather than do the things that would help me heal. I assumed others had it easy and was jealous. Why? That easily could’ve been the summer they had been waiting years for, or maybe they were in the middle of a bleak winter.
Sometimes God makes you wait for your summer, but that doesn’t mean that he wants you to be miserable. He wants you to learn and grow into the person He sees that you’re meant to be, and most importantly, to own and appreciate what you’ve learned along the way. There is something uniquely beautiful about each season and time of our lives. Don’t wait for summer. Choose to be happy now. Choose to enjoy leaves through the fall, quiet snow in the winter, and bird songs in the spring. Choose to have joy in each season, and eventually, summer will come.
One of the ways in which Josh and I are celebrating Christmas this year is by releasing our first Christmas album – “Sleigh Ride for Two”, featuring our favorite piano duets for Christmas. Check it out at https://www.joshwrightpiano.com/store/c3/Albums.html and join us when we team up with the incredible Two Sisters and a Story in December to do a giveaway! We hope the music can provide you peace and joy during your holiday season, whether it is a time of happiness, or a time of trial.
“Ah, music,” he said, wiping his eyes. “A magic beyond all we do here!” ― J.K. Rowling
With love, Lindsey
THANK YOU to Nat, Alanna, and Lynds for inviting me to be on the blog! I’m so grateful to know such talented, creative, and inspiring women. Love you all! XOXO
Lindsey you are so INSPIRING!!!! Thank you for sharing your story with us! We love you and you have touched our hearts in so many ways! We are so grateful for you and your story!
You can find her on Instagram here : @kauilani16
and her Christmas album here : https://www.joshwrightpiano.com/store/c3/Albums.html
Alanna, Natalie, and Lyndsie